I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
