She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
