have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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