please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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