okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
