I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize