Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
this boner is exhausting
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
