I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My cat gives me a boner
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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