turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
