Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
