when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
