Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
