She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
