literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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