Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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