so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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