I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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