Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
