we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
