i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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