I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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