guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
