Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
