Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
