phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
