Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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