dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
