I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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