weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
