I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
someone threw a dead crab at me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Randomize
