Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
