did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
