Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
