think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
