i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
