yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
