he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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