Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
