tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
