my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
