The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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