you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
