Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
