He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
