Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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