Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need a burrito and a hug.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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