i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
