When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
