Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
