3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
