Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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