never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
