You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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