remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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