I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
