so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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