I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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