We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
